I took my seat at the gray colored table with a plate full of Thanksgiving foods. There were mashed potatoes, turkey, corn, and bread filling my plate. My young son opted for cheese pizza. Of all the choices in the hospital cafeteria, my son decided against the traditional holiday meal. As we munched on our dishes of choice, half of my little family stayed six floors above us.
My daughter arrived in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) in the middle of the night on the eve of Thanksgiving. A tough respiratory virus attacked her lungs, and she needed a substantial amount of oxygen support. And now, this unexpected illness meant Thanksgiving was going to be completely different than we had all planned.
As my son and I sat in the cafeteria enjoying our meal, my husband kept our daughter company in her well-lit hospital room. We didn’t want her to feel alone, since we were all feeling a bit stunned by this last-minute change of plans. Once we finished eating, we switched out my husband, so he could eat at a table alone in a room scattered with unfamiliar people.
Image from @insungpandora on Unsplash
When we had a private moment later that day, my husband expressed his gratitude for all the things that were going right for our family. He made mention of others in the hospital who were far worse off than our family. Later, he uncharacteristically wrote a post on social media about our ordeal and the gratefulness that he was feeling on this holiday.
I felt differently than my husband. I was angry. I didn’t want to make a mental list of things for which I was grateful. Instead, I wanted to have a pity party. It was easy to throw such a party. I was overtired from being in the emergency room all night, my daughter was extremely sick, and this wasn’t our first time in the ICU with her. I had much to be upset about, and I was in the mood to be upset.
There was pressure to be thankful though. Thanksgiving is the holiday that prompts everyone to reflect on and express their thankfulness. On top of that, I am a Christian. I’m supposed to live a life of thankfulness. I’m not supposed to be ungrateful. I was messing this holiday up on multiple levels.
There have been other years in which I felt this pressure around Thanksgiving. Some years have been incredibly hard. Raising a child with development and medical needs has been chaotic at times. There were many years when her health was unstable, before her lung issues were correctly diagnosed at the Mayo Clinic.
Life felt like a series of uncertainties and emergencies.
Our circumstances over the years have led me to feel anything but grateful. I felt stressed. At times, I was angry as to why my child had to suffer through health issues. I found myself jealous of people with healthy children. When people gave thanks for their healthy children, I was irritated. This made me feel even worse as I knew these feelings were “wrong.” They weren’t Godly inspired anyway.
I felt the pressure to be thankful, but I was not thankful. The massive things in our life that weren’t going right felt overwhelming, and that’s what I could only focus on. And that was my problem. I was focusing on me, our problems, and things not going well for my family.
The old hymnal that tells us to “Fix our eyes upon Jesus” has never been truer. When we look to Jesus, our cares can be set aside and viewed through a spiritual lens that only God can provide. Peace is not found when things are going well. True peace can only be found by knowing God. Similarly, thankfulness is not a state of mind at certain times of the year. It is found daily when we are in a relationship with him.
So my prayers during those not-so-great Thanksgivings sounded ugly, raw, and honest. I told God that I wasn’t feeling the right way and confessed all of the ways I was feeling. I asked for help with my emotions and a different perspective. I didn’t want to feel pressured to be thankful; I wanted to be thankful.
I don’t know what season in life you happen to be in. I’m sure that there is someone out there struggling with the pressures of Thanksgiving. Let me tell you that you are not alone. I have been there more than once. I’m not an expert at breaking through this cycle, but I can tell you that there is a way out. It’s not a one path that fits all situations. I can only point you to God, who understands your circumstances and wants to hear about the help you need.
Evana is a wife and mother of two children. Evana is a pediatric speech-language pathologist and serves children with autism, feeding disorders, and other developmental delays. You can connect with Evana on Twitter, Facebook, and her blog, A Special Purposed Life. You can also read more about her family’s story in her book, Badges of Motherhood: One Mother’s Story about Family, Down syndrome, Hospitals, and Faith.
