“Most of her life I would say I don’t think she showed any signs of ‘knowing’ us or responding to us. It was hard for me to think she could’ve gone home with anyone else and never even noticed we were gone...painful reality especially when I’m giving every moment of every day to her care. I loved her so much and I had to be self-sacrificial.”
Reading these words to put into a writing project had me in tears. My friend said good-bye to her 6-year-old daughter (the youngest in a set of triplets) with special needs 18 years ago. I imagine re-sharing this thought with me opened a wound that will open on many occasions over the course of life.
When we care for our child(ren) with special needs, it’s self-sacrificing. It is more than a “job” as some might say, it is an undertaking (as one of my friends shared so succinctly with me). Yet some of us have a different level and depth of care. Although our son needs 24/7 attention and care, he can do a good number of things on his own. On his own as in, “with our help”. I won’t go into details but we don’t have the 24/7 feeding tubes, medical issues, medical equipment like some. Our undertaking, however, still requires…..self-sacrifice.
Image from @micheile on Unsplash.
Questions we can ask ourselves to see how we are doing are the following:
SELFISH:
Do I want my way first?
Do I regard myself above others?
Do I disregard others?
Do I want and need to be served?
Do I find myself demanding things?
Do I need to give up that thing I want?
Am I expecting others to make sure I’m comfortable and happy?
This mindset and behavior shows concern for one’s own welfare and advantage at the expense of others and even their disregard.
SELF-LESS
Do I allow others to be first?
Do I put others above my self?
Do I regard others and their wishes and desires?
Do I consider serving others before my own needs?
Do I wait for things in due time?
Do I give up things from time to time?
Am I mindful that it’s not all about me and that sometimes I just need to keep going?
This mindset and behavior focuses on others and their needs before one’s own and serving them through it.
Don’t get me wrong. I know there are times when we need to be put first, go first, and take care of ourselves, but the key is this: WHICH is our norm? What is our pattern? We don’t often notice when we are the selfish person but trust me – everyone else sees it clearly. The same is that of the self-less person. People notice it. And guaranteed: one is liked and appreciated by others, and one is not. But both will be noted. People notice patterns and if our patterns are selfish; it is ugly.
There is no doubt that our care for another is a lot of hard work. But it is such that we can trust God to give us all we need to be the one that serves beautifully from a heart of love for God that is self-less. If we talk negatively about our responsibilities and our loved one, we will not honor God. Do we think He made a mistake? Philippians 2:3: sums it up: “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility consider one another as more important than yourselves.”
Scripture always gives us the way to start. May we serve accordingly.
Dr. Joe and Cindi Ferrini share their newest book: Love All-Ways: Embracing Marriage Together on the Special Needs Journey (order at www.cindiferrini.com). They are authors, speakers, and bloggers for several blogging sites on marriage, family and special needs. They spoke nationally for FamilyLife Weekend To Remember Marriage Get-a-Ways for 20 years, authored *Unexpected Journey – When Special Needs Change our Course, and have been interviewed on Focus on the Family, FamilyLife Today, Janet Parshall at “In the Market”, and various other radio and television venues. Connect with them at: www.cindiferrini.com
and via social media at:
www.facebook.com/cindi.ferrini
