Emotions are information.
I was astounded when Margaret Vasquez , the therapist conducting a virtual workshop for parents about trauma-proofing kids, made that statement. Ever since her August workshop, I’ve been chewing on what she said. Thinking about the impact those three words have changed the way I now perceive my big feelings. About how those words could do the same for other parents raising kids with disabilities.
So bear with me as I attempt to unpack what Margaret meant when she said, “Emotions are information” and explain what that means for us as we parent kids with disabilities and special needs.
Margaret explained that emotions aren’t who we are. Rather, they are similar to physical sensations. When we feel something hot, cold, sharp, or painful, our bodies are alerting us to approach with caution something in our environment. When we feel emotions––big and small––our mind is alerting us to something internal that deserves our attention.
Her explanation was a revelation to a midwesterner like me. I grew up in a culture uncomfortable with displays of emotion––not only negative ones, but positive ones like joy, delight, and happiness.
As children, my siblings and I were not allowed to acknowledge the grief we felt as multiple sclerosis ravaged our Dad’s body and mind. As the young mom to a son who endured numerous surgeries and invasive medical procedures, I thought being a good mother to my child meant stuffing down the fear and grief, the anger and guilt I felt in order to concentrate on meeting his emotional and physical needs.
Yet here was Margaret saying that my emotions––and yours––were information designed to show us a better way to respond to them. By recognizing what our fear, anger, guilt, grief, shame, and a sense of abandonment are telling us, we can respond in healthy rather than unhealthy ways.
Image from @tengyart on Unsplash
Margaret described two unhealthy ways to respond to emotion, both of which are default reactions for many parents of kids with disabilities.
The first is the bossy mode. It manifests in many ways, such as controlling the situation in lieu of dealing with feelings. This mode also leads to behaviors like worry, judging, avoiding, caretaking, trying to be perfect, and criticizing, to name a few.
The second is the freak-out mode. It results in behaviors like distraction, self-injury, eating disorders, compulsive behaviors, panic, rage, and more.
Did you recognize yourself in either of those modes? I certainly do.
Once we view our emotions as information rather than feelings to ignore or discount and stuff away, we can learn to respond to our emotional selves calmly, compassionately, and confidently.
We can calmly ask ourselves, “What happened before that emotion surfaced?”
We can compassionately ask ourselves, “When have I felt that emotion in the past?”
We can confidently say to our emotional self, “I will support and keep you safe while you process your emotions.”
When our calm, compassionate, confident selves realize they needs someone to help us talk through our big emotions, we can call a trusted friend. We can ask God to be with us as we learn new ways to respond to our emotions. We can meet with a qualified mental health care therapist to assist us.
We can do all those things because we know that emotions are information. Better yet, we know that the God who created us as emotional beings is maturing us in body, soul, and spirit by the power of his indwelling Spirit.
For I am confident of this very thing,
that He who began a good work in you
will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.
Philippians 1:6
Jolene Philo is the author of several books for the caregiving community. She speaks at parenting and special needs conferences around the country. She’s also the creator and host of the Different Dream website. Sharing Love Abundantly With Special Needs Families: The 5 Love Languages® for Parents Raising Children with Disabilities, which she co-authored with Dr. Gary Chapman is available at local bookstores, their bookstore website, and Amazon. See Jane Dig!, the fourth book in the West River cozy mystery series, which features characters affected by disability, will be released in October of 2024.
