There were young kids, teens, young adults, even his best friend, all playing together, learning and laughing. But, there was no sign of my child. I searching the parking lot where everyone was talking and hanging out with their families; not there either. Here is where most people panic. But, deep down I knew; look with the younger kids. It was there I found him, rolling down the hill, filled with that bold childhood laughter, having the time of his life. No pressure here. No one asking him to make quick decisions he had to worry about in that football game. There was only freedom and joy. I want him to be something he isn’t sometimes, but I’m learning to start finding the thankful in disability.
How many of us counted the cost (both emotionally and financially) of what it would take to raise a child and/or care for an aging parent? Many are doing both…Because we love our child, we don’t often consider the cost because we simply do what is needed and want the best for them.
My daughter arrived in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) in the middle of the night on the eve of Thanksgiving. A tough respiratory virus attacked her lungs, and she needed a substantial amount of oxygen support. And now, this unexpected illness meant Thanksgiving was going to be completely different than we had all planned.
Are you scrounging for thankfulness this holiday season? Holidays can be a challenge for those walking through hard days. Perhaps you feel like you've been handed the short-end of the stick; your child is struggling, you’re exhausted and it seems like everybody else has life with a bit more gravy. It’s easy to focus on our circumstances, take stock of what we have and where we are and end up feeling completely void of thankfulness. Is there a cure for this?
Special needs families are no strangers to waiting. It feels as if our lives are turned into a giant line for a roller coaster that we don’t even want to ride. But praise be to God, not all waiting is for naught. Psalm 130 is a beautiful lament on waiting and hope.
For those of us who are married for better or worse, we’re in it to win it. That’s the easy part because it’s just saying the words, but in real life, we know that many of us in the world and journey of special needs need real help to make it to the finish line. Those doing this alone without a partner to help cope know full well that this journey isn’t for the faint of heart. Whether married or single parenting special needs, you need help!
Our son with special needs is 38. Joe and I have been vastly helped by the encouragement from each other, and friends and family as they’ve cheered us on in the journey. We know we all need and can use encouragement on a daily basis. For those of us who are married, we can get that encouragement from our spouse. For those in the single lane of this journey, that encouragement must come from others like family, friends, even co-workers and neighbors to make it to the finish line!
We have also had mentors along the way who’ve been great to tap into for their expertise. If you have disappointments and times of discouragement in your marriage or in this journey on your own, you might just need someone to mentor you to the next step. Finding someone you look up to and who is a few steps ahead of you might be all you need to get a right frame of mind and a new place to set your foot firmly. We have appreciated mentorship from others when we needed it.
We’ve even had several counseling sessions, at a time when we wondered if we were getting this special needs marriage and parenting piece in the right place of a million piece puzzle. For any of us having difficulty working through the worse parts of our vows that are dysfunctional and devastating, or for the single parent who just can’t seem to make it day to day where they are, don’t hesitate to see a counselor.
An encourager is one who is beside you cheering you on to the best you can be!
A mentor should help you:
Figure out and navigate challenges, such as money issues or raising children
Get out of a rut if you’re feeling stuck
Learn to communicate better in simple ways
Distinguish between disappointments versus dysfunction that needs counseling.
A counselor should help you:
Understand how you got into these dysfunctions
Identify and navigate help for mental disorders, depression, etc.
Work through various abuses—drug, alcohol, emotional, marital, etc.
Move forward
Have accountability in the learning and growing process.
This is a partial list of what we cover more fully in our new book Love All-Ways: Embracing Marriage Together on the Special Needs Journey. Whether married or a single parent, there is a lot to learn as we navigate getting help through encouragement, mentoring, or counseling. We should never hesitate to get whatever help we need. The special needs journey is often long and hard, but made easier and smoother when we have others helping us along the way. We should never be ashamed or embarrassed to ask for help when we know we need it.
Dr. Joe and Cindi Ferrini are authors, speakers, and bloggers for several blogging sites on family and special needs. They speak nationally for FamilyLife Weekend To Remember Marriage Get-a-Ways, authored Unexpected Journey – When Special Needs Change our Course, and have been interviewed on Focus on the Family, FamilyLife, and various other radio and television venues. Connect with them at www.cindiferrini.com and social media at: www.facebook.com/cindi.ferrini, www.facebook.com/UnexpectedJourney/, www.facebook.com/MyMarriageMatters/
ANNOUNCING their newest book: Love All-Ways: Embracing Marriage Together on the Special Needs Journey is available through their website!
